so, usually im not someone who feel things strongly in fact i dont feel much at all. theres like a barrier between me and my emotions. actually that is inaccurate because im not even sure if i hv any emotions. recently my supervisor at my part time job told me that one of the staff was pregnant and was considering abortion she didnt want the baby and was coming to work as normal trying to hide it until she couldnt anymore. ok this is hard for me to admit but i only felt a slight concern at that time. i wanted to feel MORE like idk more shock more worry more anything. when someone cry im not even curious or concerned nada zero nothing. i feel like such a cold bitch sometimes. i havent visited my grandma in close to 3 months for no reason at all. we have nothing to talk about. i think she hates my dad. my mom hates her. i wonder where i fit in all this its easier to just be away. BUT sometimes i feel intense spurts of rage. once i was so angry i trashed my phone. i will keep recounting the incident leading up to it for WEEKS even when i try hard to forget abt it. my mother annoys me for no reason at all like somehow i just dont like her very much and so its always harder to keep calm when this rage comes. usually with her it starts out as irritation and impatience and just escalates. with other people its different, just a stray word or tone can set me off. is there something wrong with me? am i just a heartless bitch? i wish i didnt feel anything at all. its so tiring to pretend you feel something when u dont and feeling guilty abt it. if i cant feel happiness, concern etc then i dont want to feel shit like regret, shame embarrassment too. i dont want to feel anything. am i the only to think these things? is there more people out there like this too. i would wish so. but i hope not.
what if we are reincarnated when we die and when we’re babies we still remember who we used to be and that’s why we cry so much as babies, because of how our old lives are gone ..and the older we get we start to forget who we used to be in a previous life.
#And the calm and quiet babies who don’t cry are people who had really bad lives and are just grateful for a second chance
all right didnt end up eating instant noodles all day :)
1/2 pack kimchi cheese flavor ramyeon with egg and kimchi
salmon handroll with shaved cucumber
unagi handroll with lettuce
2.5 cup honey black tea
milk tea with black and white pearl
steamed pork belly with sour shrimp sauce.
I started the Twelve Hour Fast thing yesterday. No eating past 7:00 Pm or Before 7:00 Am. That way you technically fast for half the year ^^.